Extremely Fast, yet Terribly Slow

As we get older we tend to ask ourselves, “where has the time gone?” Hours, days, weeks, months and years seem to float by and sneak away from us without us fully realising until that moment when we do. 

This summer there have been moments where time either seemed to crawl by or fly past at breakneck speed. I reflect on the summer, as it comes to an end in just a few weeks, and I feel an odd mix of emotions.  Trying mybest to comprehend how time is moving extremely fast, yet terribly slow, an absolutely upside down contradictory feeling, pulling my mind and heart in completely different directions. 

Part of me can’t believe that our son starts his first year at school this September. It’s a complete shock to me, and in a way it’s the end of his babyhood, and both this summer and the past four years have passed us by far too quickly. Each day he amazes me and fills my heart with pride, and complete joy. He is ready for school and he excitedly, and impatiently awaits for his life as a young scholarto commence, but this momma heart isn’t prepared, even though I have had four years and all summer to get there. I suppose this is the way most mummy bears feel when their little bears head to school, or hit a milestone of significance, so I’m aware that I’m not alone in this feeling, but still I want things to slow down, just a little.

On the other hand, as we STILL wait to be matched with a baby, it feels like time has stood still on the adoption front.  I suppose I haven’t fully helped myself, purposefully avoiding plans in the chance that we are called out to Armenia. Most days I’m rather grumpy, praying for time to pass quickly in order to jump ahead to meeting our baby. Then I have to pull myself into the present and put my wallowing aside, to release myself from the waiting, to give my whole heart and be my best self to the little boy who is here and that I am so blessed to have as my son,  to enjoy these precious few weeks with him before school begins.

So, we wait in limbo and happily enjoy these last few weeks of British summer, me, trying my absolute best to be fully present in the here and now. Once in a while, we get little tid bits of information, about where we are in the process, any little update is treasured and valued.

Slowly we have shed our cocoon and surrounded ourselves with our dearest ones. We have celebrated christenings and births and birthdays, and try our absolute best to breathe and enjoy, and let go, and just accept that it will happen when it is meant to happen. 

We have had phenomenal support from our lawyers, from Cecile (our inter-country adoption consultant), from our British social worker, family, friends and other adopters we have connected with. 

We have found the waiting unbelievably challenging, myself particularly, but know we could be waiting for weeks or even months before we get matched, and in a strange way this waiting is actually the “easy” wait. The tough wait comes after we have met our baby in Armenia and we have to return to the U.K. without the baby, until we are invited back for our adoption court date. Neither of us can quite wrap our heads around the thought of falling in love with a sweet baby, meeting them and having to say goodbye, until we are able to meet again and fully (and legally) join as a family after our adoption hearing.

Sometimes we need to just blow where the wind takes us, just to be free in the moment, and trust the process. To lean on those who love us most and enjoy the beauty each day brings.  So, this is us, in this moment, grateful, together and soaking up the sunshine.